It's no longer the love under the skin.

[draft: 01/22/2018]

Half-assed.

Half-assed dancer. Half-assed photographer. Half-assed visual artist. Half-assed fashion blogger. Half-assed everything.

This shit doesn't even matter anymore.

This has no point at all.

Why?

I left 'em there. Hanging. I run as fast as I could. I don't know. I don't want to know. The shit scared the hell out of me. I don't know.

I run.

I run.

I run.

I run.

The more I run, the more I'm frightened of what's in front of me. Too frightening. I can't see them. For now, let's play the blame game.

It's not me.

It's never be me.

Everyone else should take it, not me.

Not me.

Not me.

The fact that I couldn't even do things on my own only. That I'd always need a companion. It's been an empty battlefield when I'm alone. Safe and sound. I don't go anywhere. I'm not even capable to create any story. All I know is to sharpen the blade over and over and over again while I'm walking through the dessert, nothingness. Days are looping.

It's looping.

It's looping.

What do you wait?

[now — 09/05/2021]

You know, I probably change.

I lost what used to be a good friend.

I no longer feel the love under the skin. It felt like a dream whenever the thoughts ran back to that peculiar space which used to be a home. Did I miss home? Sorta, but I'm not a masochist enough to love torturing myself like that, you know.

It's good, I think.

But, I lost the fire.

Looping, the days. Still are.

Did I get myself anywhere better? Not sure. It depends where I would see the value. And you know what's funny? The more I dig up about the value, the more it's frightening. I seem to always find something alarming in my head, goddamn, when will I just be happy and go-lucky kind of person, or at least, when will my mind let me breathe and walk like a normal person?

The value, you know.

Have a job, marry the person you love, have babies, buy a house, raise the children and make them the champions, have grandchildren, etc etc etc. You name it.

Ah... really. Another loop.

Why did human set such value to be a normal way of living in the very beginning? It sounds the easiest way to distract from pain, you know, at least you'd never be alone. Maybe for most cases, you'd be surrounded by people you love and those who love you back. I guess that's how human-in-default was designed to be, merely live to survive. 

Now, do I still walk? Do I still sharpen the blade? Do I still create? Do I do things on my own? Yeah, yes I do. What is it for? I don't know, maybe I love it, maybe I don't have anything else to do and think about—unless it's destructive thoughts so I better do something else, right? You know again, to distract. It's not that bad when you just walk. It's not that bad.

Keep walking.

Even when I'm alone, I'd adapt to it quickly. Or, maybe I'd cross path with anyone new I never thought about, right?

Keep walking.

Look straight ahead.

No, not your left and not your right. It's destructive to your mind.

Never lose your focus.

Be normal.

Be a human.

You favorite story tags probably; Angst.

Rage overflows and tears are shut like they're safe and sound. Not exactly I know where it begins, I begin to know nothing at all. 

The needles under the skin are long gone. I sip caffeine on day on night, I'm not panicking, or maybe just a rise of heartbeat aka nothing really important happens. A certain something keeps bugging me, what did I keep in my grip tightly? Did I lose it now? Did I miss something? I'm irritated. The whole time now I spend being angry over everything I see. 

"Did I just get betrayed?"

"Did they talk something about me behind my back?"

"Does he/she hate me?"

"I did exactly nothing, then why do you keep looking at me that way?" 

"What a polite words coming from your mouth!" 

"Did you just ignore me?"

Fuck off, really.

Going out of the house is the worst idea I could do. The existence of human outside the house is a threat to my mind. I feel painful. And at the same time, I do realize what I'm thinking, what I'm not capable of, and I can't stop hating myself for that. No mistakes occur, and like what I used to say, life is painful from the very beginning. Maybe you and I have perspective, and the minds evolve from time to time. It's always been that way.

What I see is rage; another form of pain that I keep hidden for the longest of time. Never heard. Never accepted.

Daydream

Let it loose. Feel.

—

I didn't bother to listen because I knew, it's beyond my capability. And say, which words coming out from home-freak heads I could buy? You'd break. I'd break. We'd all break. Bunch of fragilities tying each other's knots like an idiot. Build a glass-house from shatters. And blood.

You all would fall, you fool.

Don't bother to promise. Don't bother to believe.

Don't even bother to take a minute, an hour, a day, a month to consider all of it at all.

Til you slowly crumble by yourself.

Til you have nothing more to tell. Til you have nothing more to prove. Til you have nothing more to embrace within you. Til you have nowhere to go. Til you have nothing. It's basically a null.

It's no longer between you and you. When you realize, you're no longer standing on your own feet. Your place now is no longer safe. All you want is to head home while you're being all doubtful. Hopping from this to that station, facing all the dead roses you're going to be sick about yet still crave for more the next day.

Endless loop. Welcome.

Hello from me.

It's only been about a year and a half, I suppose, that I finally tried to at least settle down on the purpose. I still remember how it all started with a fight in the morning to evening, and a cry in the night before I slept. Bunch of kiddos, me and a friend, tried to stand on their own ideals and principles. Got rid of all the toxic of any circumstances or people. Rebellion. So much drama, so emotional, and yadda yadda. Nice to recall them all while I'm slurping a cup of coffee and hoping I'm not choked because how it sounds ludicrous now.

And so there goes a chapter where I finally felt so much better so much healthy that the thoughts of 'destroying' didn't even cross on my mind. Day by day, I trained and trained. I focused more on dancing since I felt like that's the thing I lack of and I didn't want to get left behind. So I rented a dance studio just for myself for days for months, I was on fire... 'til, I realized that I was just running in place. I was stuck. I didn't think that the things I produced had such value. And that's when all seemed to be pointless.

Why am I even keep doing it over and over again if this doesn't even lead me to somewhere?

Tho, I still ran just because I need to do something. "Don't think, just do", I thought, so I just kept binge walking-running-walking-running, yet, in place. And it sucks that things I supposed to love doing would be a mere distraction. Sometimes I stopped running and found a nice shelter to chill... Oh well, yes, of course to chill, to calm me down, huh, yes yes. I played many video games and finished 'em all. I watched anime or movies and grabbed all of my snacks and ate like an ogre. Of course that would calm me down, huh, bloated myself and be more useless. Congratulation. If people ever say, "It is okay, you just need some more time for yourself and rest", I would say that it only makes me more anxious in the end because to 'rest' is never enough and I'd be like slacking off the whole time like a sloth, anxious sloth probably, which I would regret it later.

Well, and for now, I take a walk. I slow down just a little bit because I feel tremendously tired. I go by the flow. Sometimes I take photos, sometimes I go to dance studio, and I even take a dance class again once in a while or just when I want it. And... I even write this goddamn blog again even the photo edits are pretty much half-assed lately, hell. I keep doing everything... even I don't feel anything. But, this time. I try to let it go. Yup, everything is half-assed because, actually, I don't even know what to express. Also, the engagements are getting so daaaaamn low and it's not like the previous one wasn't all that low. So... hello the junks of society, welcome aboard.

Yet again, it's been... a very short time since the first time I started all of it... yet look how unstable I am through it all. What a weak-ass. Damn pathetic. But, oh well, tho I float off and don't know where this leads me to, at least I'm still breathing now which means I still keep in my hopes to work things out, I guess.

Nevertheless, eventually, everything would end... when the time comes. So for now, let's just do the best I could, even it's almost empty, even I still only see a slight of hope, since it all still matters to me.

Paint the Black Hole

Things might have been quite ugly this time around. I had no inspiration whatsoever I didn't even know what I wanted to do. "Is this way even right? Should I go back? Let it be a dead end?" kept coming up in my head, almost drove me insane. It would be a dead end if today I don't start walking again. I have postponed everything that my progress was running slow. It's not good, will be never be good. The distraction I did should be more than enough. I'm back to where I should be. I will make things again since now I have more times for myself. These days around I will post more blog entries for all of my previous photoshoot. The inspiration I'd be looking for might be everywhere I just need to enforce myself more to take a good look at the very corner of everything tho it's very little but I might come up with more ideas. Just walk and walk. Should it be necessary I will be faster, I will run and catch up with everything.

Emotion

Things are going back when I thought I already got over them. Nope, it's not. I'm mad. I'm mad with everything. I'm mad with people how they are not being respectful. Is that it? They don't respect me, is it because I'm doing things bad? So they judge me? Everything I do is never enough because they're all not good. I'm mad with myself. See? I still have this severe self-loath. Things are just going around and around and it's going back. Do I only focus on the negative side? Am I being self-centered? Might be the case. What I feel, not that I can handle it. I only want to create arts I like. But, what if mine is not selling out? What if people don't love my works? What if people don't love me as an artist or as a person they can relate to? This is crazy. I feel like I'm an insane garbage to have thoughts like this. Everything, literally, will only lead me back to this. My option? To ignore everything and keep producing things, the only one. What I feel is just a burst of emotion, I need to get over it again and again. Maybe in days I could feel better and I could laugh and make jokes to everything. Maybe in weeks or months I could feel devastated. I think I just need to live it. I don't know. But well, fingers crossed.

I Don't Really Buy Clothes

Ok, seriously. I've been really broke that I can only afford myself to buy cheap foods on the street and pay to use a dance studio. 2016 was such an amazing year, really, like I know exactly how it felt when you had much money on your pocket and months later you had almost nothing. I might lose the money, my monthly income, my source of glory, but at the same time I also learn something much more within myself. I know what I want to do in my life. I found what I really wanted for so long that I ignored for such a long time just because I thought that would be impossible. I want to dance, I want to do well on expressing myself on the stage, I want to take photographs, I want to modelling, I want to act on a scene, I want to write my thoughts, I want to create music, I want to dress myself well and wear my own makeup look, and simply I want to be alive. I will live my dreams.

I also seriously am very much aware of what I'm doing. To get pass through all that, I've fought episodes of drama. That thing, I will write about that later. As for now, I want you all to know that I've settled down, my life purpose is.

Oh yeah, and about this outfit, I just got a new bomber jacket that I wanted for so long. And I got it for free as a gift from Yoins, very much yay! As I don't buy clothes anymore for now, I'm back to my own Polyvore account and do a favor about it. I promote brands' items and I get coupon codes to shop at their stores. Well, if I'm a bit lucky, sometimes, they would pay me money via Paypal. These things are what I do to support my needs. It's really nothing much, like all I eat may be a bread toast or instant noodle, but I promise myself that I will upgrade. I just need to hang in there and make everything works.