It's no longer the love under the skin.

[draft: 01/22/2018]

Half-assed.

Half-assed dancer. Half-assed photographer. Half-assed visual artist. Half-assed fashion blogger. Half-assed everything.

This shit doesn't even matter anymore.

This has no point at all.

Why?

I left 'em there. Hanging. I run as fast as I could. I don't know. I don't want to know. The shit scared the hell out of me. I don't know.

I run.

I run.

I run.

I run.

The more I run, the more I'm frightened of what's in front of me. Too frightening. I can't see them. For now, let's play the blame game.

It's not me.

It's never be me.

Everyone else should take it, not me.

Not me.

Not me.

The fact that I couldn't even do things on my own only. That I'd always need a companion. It's been an empty battlefield when I'm alone. Safe and sound. I don't go anywhere. I'm not even capable to create any story. All I know is to sharpen the blade over and over and over again while I'm walking through the dessert, nothingness. Days are looping.

It's looping.

It's looping.

What do you wait?

[now — 09/05/2021]

You know, I probably change.

I lost what used to be a good friend.

I no longer feel the love under the skin. It felt like a dream whenever the thoughts ran back to that peculiar space which used to be a home. Did I miss home? Sorta, but I'm not a masochist enough to love torturing myself like that, you know.

It's good, I think.

But, I lost the fire.

Looping, the days. Still are.

Did I get myself anywhere better? Not sure. It depends where I would see the value. And you know what's funny? The more I dig up about the value, the more it's frightening. I seem to always find something alarming in my head, goddamn, when will I just be happy and go-lucky kind of person, or at least, when will my mind let me breathe and walk like a normal person?

The value, you know.

Have a job, marry the person you love, have babies, buy a house, raise the children and make them the champions, have grandchildren, etc etc etc. You name it.

Ah... really. Another loop.

Why did human set such value to be a normal way of living in the very beginning? It sounds the easiest way to distract from pain, you know, at least you'd never be alone. Maybe for most cases, you'd be surrounded by people you love and those who love you back. I guess that's how human-in-default was designed to be, merely live to survive. 

Now, do I still walk? Do I still sharpen the blade? Do I still create? Do I do things on my own? Yeah, yes I do. What is it for? I don't know, maybe I love it, maybe I don't have anything else to do and think about—unless it's destructive thoughts so I better do something else, right? You know again, to distract. It's not that bad when you just walk. It's not that bad.

Keep walking.

Even when I'm alone, I'd adapt to it quickly. Or, maybe I'd cross path with anyone new I never thought about, right?

Keep walking.

Look straight ahead.

No, not your left and not your right. It's destructive to your mind.

Never lose your focus.

Be normal.

Be a human.