Hello from me.

It's only been about a year and a half, I suppose, that I finally tried to at least settle down on the purpose. I still remember how it all started with a fight in the morning to evening, and a cry in the night before I slept. Bunch of kiddos, me and a friend, tried to stand on their own ideals and principles. Got rid of all the toxic of any circumstances or people. Rebellion. So much drama, so emotional, and yadda yadda. Nice to recall them all while I'm slurping a cup of coffee and hoping I'm not choked because how it sounds ludicrous now.

And so there goes a chapter where I finally felt so much better so much healthy that the thoughts of 'destroying' didn't even cross on my mind. Day by day, I trained and trained. I focused more on dancing since I felt like that's the thing I lack of and I didn't want to get left behind. So I rented a dance studio just for myself for days for months, I was on fire... 'til, I realized that I was just running in place. I was stuck. I didn't think that the things I produced had such value. And that's when all seemed to be pointless.

Why am I even keep doing it over and over again if this doesn't even lead me to somewhere?

Tho, I still ran just because I need to do something. "Don't think, just do", I thought, so I just kept binge walking-running-walking-running, yet, in place. And it sucks that things I supposed to love doing would be a mere distraction. Sometimes I stopped running and found a nice shelter to chill... Oh well, yes, of course to chill, to calm me down, huh, yes yes. I played many video games and finished 'em all. I watched anime or movies and grabbed all of my snacks and ate like an ogre. Of course that would calm me down, huh, bloated myself and be more useless. Congratulation. If people ever say, "It is okay, you just need some more time for yourself and rest", I would say that it only makes me more anxious in the end because to 'rest' is never enough and I'd be like slacking off the whole time like a sloth, anxious sloth probably, which I would regret it later.

Well, and for now, I take a walk. I slow down just a little bit because I feel tremendously tired. I go by the flow. Sometimes I take photos, sometimes I go to dance studio, and I even take a dance class again once in a while or just when I want it. And... I even write this goddamn blog again even the photo edits are pretty much half-assed lately, hell. I keep doing everything... even I don't feel anything. But, this time. I try to let it go. Yup, everything is half-assed because, actually, I don't even know what to express. Also, the engagements are getting so daaaaamn low and it's not like the previous one wasn't all that low. So... hello the junks of society, welcome aboard.

Yet again, it's been... a very short time since the first time I started all of it... yet look how unstable I am through it all. What a weak-ass. Damn pathetic. But, oh well, tho I float off and don't know where this leads me to, at least I'm still breathing now which means I still keep in my hopes to work things out, I guess.

Nevertheless, eventually, everything would end... when the time comes. So for now, let's just do the best I could, even it's almost empty, even I still only see a slight of hope, since it all still matters to me.